Should everybody connect to the BDSM Community? Does it depend on anything?
[alert type=”info” icon-size=”big”]Please read the whole article, I describe some of my negative experiences first because of the chronological order.
Also because every community is different I try to show a lot of the experiences I made over the past 15 Years[/alert]
So let me start with some general advice:
“The Community” is always changing – what was 10 years ago is not what I experienced 2 years ago or now and it will be different in the next 2 years again. It also depends heavily on your personal view and what you want to get out of it for yourself – your circumstances change and your personal needs as well.
I try to give you a glimpse here what I personally find a useful time investment and what I would consider wasting time, but in the end, you have to decide for yourself. – That’s why I tell you my experiences from the last decade here, so you can see where my view comes from.
Local
So I started to connect with the community around 15 years ago – I already had a good amount of knowledge but I thought maybe some talks would help me get new ideas, so we came to our first munch. So what should I say…
First the positive aspect: I actually would meet somebody that I would see as a mentor and that helped me a great deal with some stuff I was struggling. This was the only time that I actually had a Mentor figure and I feel very lucky that I even found somebody because not many good Dominants actually train other Dominants…
But there was also a lot of negative things like people that told me I do stuff wrong with my Submissive (mainly because I wouldn’t do impact play with her, which had a reason: My Submissive didn’t like impact play…) or that I wouldn’t qualify as a Dominant because of my young age (Submissive at the Munch: “You don’t know what to do with a women…”)
So as you see this was pretty mixed at that time…
After that and after some internal conflict at this Munch we would try another one that we liked very much. It was a young community with actually deep conversations about sexuality and BDSM in general. This is the kind of conversation we looked for at the time. Today that would probably look a bit different because our focus has shifted.
Sadly we had to leave that munch because of Age restrictions and after that kind of disappointment, we chose to stay back and not connect to the local community.
Over the years we would try different munches from time to time but only find people that were significantly older than us or that were only interested in play rather than the exchange of ideas. In general, the atmosphere was always different but not always what we wanted.
Then fast forward to around half a year ago we felt the urge to try something and [JP] also wanted to see how munches and play-party’s might be, so we selected a munch at a play location for younger people.
That Munch is a really special occasion – some people drive 2-3 hours for it every month because the mentality and the people there are so great.
We didn’t know it at the time but it was a very positive mentality and we still visit that munch every month even after [JP] is not with us anymore.
That said in our local community it is the best Munch we have and that might be because of the divide between older and younger generations. There is quite a break in mentality between the people that are 40+ and the people that are 35 and younger.
Sub [C] and I prefer the younger mentality a lot more because it is about learning and growing which is exactly what I preferred all my life.
Online
Over the years I would connect with some online Websites and find friends and Submissives there.
The mentality is way more focused on growth and sexual pleasure with that then in the Local communities.
So there was always somebody I could talk to and I also have Kinky people in my friend circle that I could talk and ask about some sexually related questions that I had.
Online communities are a great resource – if you invest time in them!
You need to invest time in them because you need to connect to many people until you find the right ones that you can see as “your tribe”.
Also, the best groups with the people I learned from the most, were always in closed communities that were invite only. So you need to put yourself out there so these communities find you and invite you.
So when and how should I connect to the BDSM Community?
You should always connect locally if you don’t have any BDSM Friends you can talk to and if you don’t have a lot of time – a monthly much usually is a good balance of time investment and what you get out of it from the BDSM perspective.
If you want to just connect online then you can join one of the many pages that are out there and read about a lot of topics like in this Blog. If you really want to learn a lot you should also invest some more time in these communities, show that you also have the knowledge to give and wait till people ask you to join them.
However, if you have 1-2 friends that you can talk to and ask for advice and you don’t have much time because you focus on other things like your career – then the communities might not be always the best investment of your time and you are better served with Podcasts, Blogs and Info Websites.
One Warning:
Munches are advertised often as a “go-to” place for finding play partners.
I personally advise against it.
Most munches don’t like when people are there to flirt and don’t tolerate it for long.
Also, most people on the munches are already in relationships which is usually not what singles want…
