As somebody who was accused of sharing too much and too little and also being clingy and being distant (sometimes all at the same time and in the same relationship!) I know a bit about sharing information, views and personal details.
In past relationships, I tried out different ways (not with a system but just because how the relationships were progressing and how most of the communication was done). With being fully open in my last relationship – and still, I shared not enough in the view of the other person and if I did I shared the wrong things.
So let me come to the point: There is something that is called oversharing and it can be one of the most problematic things in a relationship.
Why? Because it has more to do with feelings than with actual information…
Example:
I don’t like to share a lot, I’m a very private person
VS
I don’t like to share a lot, a lot of people hurt me and I need a long time to open up to someone
In both examples the desired outcome is not to share certain information – may be your private name, address or Information about your Job.
Or maybe you just have 100 Ideas a day and don’t have the time to share everything (that’s my situation most of the time)
The real irony is that the second answer has actually more information that seems important – but it also makes the other person feel bad about it because she feels punished for deeds of other people…
The same is true for a lot of information you share about yourself or about how your thinking…
Too many details often make other people feel bad about themselves or about you.
Another Example:
I’m a Dominant who likes to play Mind-Games and who uses psychology in a lot of its play. Of course, that kind of knowledge can be used to manipulate people and therefore also the submissive in bad ways… Mind-Games (per definition) are often exactly that – a manipulation of the perception for the submissive.
Whenever I share that I am good with Mind-Games, other people are excited and happy about that. They enjoy the play, the feelings and want to know more. The moment I explain how it’s done to them, I usually have to do some kind of clarification that I only use it for their benefit.
People always say they want the truth and always want the full story, but most of them are ill-equipped to handle it because we all are full of flaws and not all is black & white.
So does that mean you shouldn’t share at all?
NO – but you should always think about the timing. There is a difference telling somebody on the second days about your flaws or after a couple of months.
And in my experience people can handle flaws pretty well when they know the person enough and know how that person is.
