Yesterday I was in a chat where the topic was Jealousy by a Dominant – he didn’t agree that his submissive had other male partners but the female would be okay.
What really bugged me about the conversation that I followed was that people would just discard the issue as a “Male Ego Thing”.
I like to see relationships always as a “we against the world” kind of way which means that when one person in a relationship has a problem, all in that relationship have a problem.
Yes, some problems lie within ourselves to work out but everybody can and should contribute to the Solution if possible.
In this case, I know how it feels on all sides – on the side of not being Jealous at all, on the one that somebody is Jealous and makes an issue out of it and on the one of being Jealous myself and making an issue out of it.
My experience in this is, of course, personal and I’m not saying everybody is the same – but when I talked about it to other people it became clear that the root of all problems is fear and insecurity. – But let me explain…
In the Past I had multiple submissives that were poly or sleeping around a lot – I had constellations in which a submissive had a current long-term relationship like with [SD] or one in which I decided how much and with whom they slept around (hint: they did that a lot on my command).
Someone like [NG] which we still hold in very high regards, was somebody who had multiple other partners – all male and some even more frequent than we had time to do sexual stuff with her.
All these constellations were before I ever got Jealous in my life – I usually also have a good basis to permanent partners, make jokes with them together and try to be on a friendly side.
The goal isn’t and shouldn’t be to become or have an issue – we discuss borders (I do this usually with a submissive) and then it’s a live and let live situation. Ideally, we are friends but we also can be total strangers.
But, let us go to the time I was Jealous and why that was the case:
The one time was of course with [JP] – I trained her from the start and at some point, she wanted to explore other partners. I wasn’t really against that in general but thought it was too early on, a point that was even admitted by [JP] after she had her experience. But what really bugged me were 2 things:
- It felt like she was out to replace me with somebody that was more nearby
- I made her ready for these experiences and I wanted to be the one that made them the first time with her. I wanted to be the one she had in her arms the first time, that she would try new stuff the first time
Now, you can call both an ego thing and I will even admit that especially the second one was. I was the one who put a lot of time in nurturing her and explaining the world of sex so I wanted to be the one that benefitted from it first.
But what really bugged me, even more, was the feeling that she wanted to replace me.
I think with me it was the mix out of these two that made me feel really Problematic and in a way protective. But this kind of protection wasn’t to protect my submissive… It was to protect my relationship with her at all cost.
The biggest issue here is insecurity and this is hotwired (especially in men) in multiple ways:
Woman have it easy to find ‘somebody’ – I know it´s hard to find ‘somebody good or even great‘, but from our perspective, you Girls can snap your fingers and get somebody new every day of the week. If you ever visited a dating portal you will know what I am talking about.
We are very competitive and we sometimes see others as a challenger.
And as a Dominant, we feel in charge of the relationship and feel it is our responsibility to keep that relationship safe.
Now – I’m not saying here this all makes it “OK” – It doesn’t!
I’m just trying to create an understanding where this fear and insecurity is coming from because it can help to understand what to do about it…
You know the feeling you lose somebody that is very dear to you is not a nice and cozy one – its one that is dark and ugly and it hurts you. You feel powerless and try to cling on things you can control.
However, that is the wrong response and nothing justifies this kind of thinking or feeling – I should have checked my thinking and checked myself at that time. A relationship with jealousy as a constant companion is doomed to fail.
At the time with [JP] I also did that – as for jealousy I wasn’t the all-controlling freak. I did know that was the wrong response.
I tried to talk with her but also were very open about how much I was bothered and hurt (I overshared a lot), that didn’t let her feel very good but also made her doubt my motives why I said its too early for her – something I think we overcame a bit later but scarred our relationship because she never could forget that I was unhappy that way with her and so her view was very skewed on that issue.
In the end, I let her have an adventure and she said she understands afterward what I mean with my remarks of being too early and doing stuff with her the first time.
The Irony on this end is – and I hope I can express with this how fundamentally these feelings can impact someone long term – that when I was feeling secure and ready to let her have other relationships around 5 months later, she told me unequivocally that if another relationship would emerge, that relationship would replace our own if needed…
So in the end, I could probably sell this as some kind of ‘win’ to myself because I probably extended our relationship for another 4-5 Months at that point.
But it wasn’t a win!
It didn’t give me a longterm relationship with the person I love and It didn’t make me feel any more secure as if I didn’t have done anything…
I think the only two things you can do in these situations are ‘giving up’ and trust your partner or walk away (which I should have done way earlier as I now know)!
Everything else will hurt yourself and hurt your partner with nothing to gain.