This is a post I don’t want to do… It´s against me being positive and what this Blog is about.
When I did the Blog post about the Menstrual cup, people called me brave that I write about such a topic as a male Dominant. I didn’t see it as brave, it’s a normal thing for me…
This post here I feel way more problematic about, but it is also part of being a Dominant and a part a lot of people don’t talk about, so I feel like I should…
We hear plenty of stories from Submissives about Dominants being bad, being predators, being manipulative, being egocentric and being like shit to their Submissives… You will even find some posts about shitty Dominants by myself where I criticize their behavior.
I feel for every Submissive that comes out of a bad relationship.
What stands in this post is not against other people that were also victims of abuse – it is about making clear that abuse happens on both sides of the equation and that quite a lot of Dominants get abused by their Submissives.
My Hope is also that some Dominants see this post and realize that we are the ones that are in power and we need to step up and shut stuff like this down or walk away!
So let me explain why you don’t hear a lot about this…
When I first made this topic, I run only the headline by some people to get their first reaction – I got praise and even some that said the topic was interesting. Not one even bothered to ask why I would write about that.
There is also the perception because we as Dominants inflict pain, humiliate, degrade and do other “perverted” things – we somehow deserve it when the tables get turned…
We as Dominants have “all the power™” and therefore we can’t be abused… And to a part that is correct!
Abuse in our case does not look like what happens to Submissives. We don’t get tied down and fucked in every hole even after we called our safeword or get degraded in the same way…
Abuse by Submissives looks different, it is more subtle and often hard to explain because you need to see the pattern behind the behavior – its a slow death by a thousand cuts.
I do think it also has to do with mentality, most Dominants are male and have a great protector instinct. We love the feeling of being needed and being the one that cares for our Submissive and that instinct (besides others) can be exploited in many ways…
Also to be fair in this – a great amount of this abusive behavior does not come from real intent. I don’t judge a hungry person for stealing food and so it is hard to blame a person for trying to get what they feel they need.
[alert type=”warning” icon-size=”big”]I don’t link to the Submissives that I had the experiences with – Mainly because I don’t think that the person intended to hurt me… – Yes, I am fully aware that this is a common thing abuse victims think and that I shouldn’t make excuses for bad behavior – but I feel how I feel and I will not compromise that![/alert]
So how does abuse that I talk about look like?
Here are some situations, I personally experienced the first two and have first-hand knowledge about the last example – maybe you might understand…
— Chat in the morning —
Sub: I’m feeling very bad – I can’t go to class
Me: You need to go to class or you don’t get the attention you need.
Sub: please help me feel more submissive so I can be in a better mood.
Me: Kneel down and do your Mantra
— Submissive complies —
Sub: I did, I’m feeling better
Me: That’s great, now go to your class and you will see it will be fun
Sub: Can we have a call?
Me: No sorry, I need to call a customer in 5minutes and you need to go to class you are already a bit late.
Sub: But what about aftercare?
Me: You just did your Mantra – I’m sure you will be fine!
— In the Evening —
Sub: We have to talk, I need to discuss something with you
Me: Oh, okay – sure, tell me what is going on?
Sub: You can’t do what you did this morning… I wasn’t in my class because I was too upset about not having aftercare.
Me: I told you to do one Mantra after you requested you wanted to feel submissive… What do you expect after that?
Sub: That you care for me and talk to me
Me: I didn’t have any time and neither had you – you need the attendance for your class
Sub: If you don’t give me aftercare I can’t deal with my class and that is anyway something we need to talk about… my class can’t come second to play…
— End —
Situations like this continued over the timeframe of 3 months, first every week, then multiple times a week and then every other day. I would try to discuss this with her but after the second talk I got accused to manipulate her feelings to treat her in inhumane ways – I should probably have stopped then but I was sure we could maybe handle the Situation. I was wrong, after the 3rd call that woke me in the middle of the night, we had a big discussion in which she demanded that I provide at least 2 hours of aftercare for every hour that we play in any way (text chat included) after which I ended the relationship.
I got later blamed on the Plattform where I met her that I was a manipulative asshole and never gave aftercare to her.
After this experience whenever a future submissive said she has a high focus on aftercare, I have an alarm bell go off in my head…
Most people will find the last example pretty easy to understand – but what if it isn’t as clear cut then that…? Being emotionally vulnerable is one of the most important situations in relationships and sometimes you have people who have fun to exploit that in every way possible.
I always establish a trust relationship with my Submissives – as we all know, real trust has to go both ways and can’t just be a one-sided gesture…
One Submissive I had was also into pushing my boundaries outside of the BDSM context. Whenever she felt frustrated or disappointed she would try to get back with things that hurt me personally… It was unimportant to her if her actions had any real justification.
One of the things I dislike are lies – so she would lie, first in smaller play related things and later in bigger and relationship related things.
Another way to hurt me was that she reinterpreted past play related or personal situations after the fact.
So if we had a great time with playing in person she would come later and criticize for instance that our play was focused on too many negative aspects and that she thinks that was wrong.
That did go so far that she alleged even non-consent to a number of moments that were very special and intimate and in which she, at the time, had fun and never even thought about her safeword.
Probably this relationship wouldn’t have ended like it did if I had made clear that certain boundaries are more important then others and if I had enforced that on an ongoing basis.
But this particular submissive did never understand how much damage she did when she pushed these boundaries again. No amount of sitting down and talking was enough.
I want to highlight another situation a friend of mine had and that really screwed with his head.
(I have knowledge of this situation through chat logs and talks to all involved, so feel I can speak to the whole situation)
The friend hooks up with a one night stand and sleeps with her. Some weeks after they go into a D/s relationship just for sexual pleasure, they get to know each other more and hook up on a regular basis.
After some months he becomes the impression this could become a more serious relationship because his submissive tells him she is only sleeping with him at the moment. They always use Protection, she the pill and he used still condoms.
That’s when he became the following messages:
— Selection Translated to English —
Sub: Hey, I just thought I tell you that I might be pregnant.
Dom: Erm, okay… are you sure? I know dumb question but we used both protection…
Sub: Yeah I’m sure… You remember the weekend where you left me on Saturday when I was so horny? I slept with 2 other guys that weekend…
Dom: Are you serious? And didn’t you use protection there as well? What about your pill and I would expect the guys you sleep with have to use condoms…
Sub: Nope. I think something did go wrong with the pill, maybe diarrhea… And it´s not my fault if you leave me horny… I needed to have sex and I don’t care if they used something so they didn’t…
Dom: are you kidding me…? – We agreed on using condoms in the beginning with everyone… It´s even one of your rules…
Sub: I don’t care about rules right now, you know?
Dom: okay, fair enough – anyway what do you want to do now?
Sub: I will probably take care of it, right now it’s just a lump of cells…
Dom: hmmm okay…
Sub: But if I keep it I will say you are the father
Dom: erm okay, how about first checking? I mean it is not likely I am the father because we used protection… and the other guys don’t…
Sub: yeah but I have no clue who the other two guys are, I just hooked up with them as a one night stand and I didn’t write down their names or anything…
— End —
The exchange didn’t continue on the same day – the Sub wasn’t answering anymore. I do have sympathy for the situation – I could write here a lot how extremely problematic this might be for both sides and I do think if this exchange would have been the only one in that kind it would all be ‘good’ and my Friend (the bleeding heart samaritan that he usually is) would have even supported her in whatever decision his Sub would have made – it was an adult conversation about a very important topic for both of them.
But of course, it didn’t end there – otherwise I wouldn’t write about it here…
— Next Day —
Sub: You know I thought about it and maybe I should keep it…
Sub: Did you tell your family already?
Dom: erm, we used protection… I don’t think I am the father
Sub: Yeah but when I keep it I need to show somebody on Facebook who the father is
Dom: are you kidding me? I’m to 99%, not the father…
Sub: yeah I can’t tell anybody that it was a one night stand if I want to keep it, just think about it how egoistic you are here…
— End —
Discussions like this would repeat every second day until 2 weeks later when she said she took care of it. After that, she wouldn’t write anymore but post secret messages for a couple of weeks on Facebook so that he still wasn’t sure if she might just tell people he would be the father of her child.
After these exchanges and the whole situation my friend got anxiety attacks whenever he had sex or even sexual contact with other women and would panic in his head he could get somebody pregnant.
These attacks would make him obsessive about the Topic and it would take 7 years till he found a girlfriend that helped him overcome these attacks…
Some of this stuff sounds easy to avoid, and some are even plain stupid if you think as an observer – but as you can maybe see in my own examples you get mostly drawn into the situation and don’t realize what is actually is going on…
Both of my examples happened when I wasn’t in connection with anybody else from the community. In both relationships, I thought it might be better to focus solely on my partner at hand instead of “wasting” time to connect with members of the Community… after all I wasn’t searching for the next play relationship…
In retrospect, this was the biggest mistake in all of this from my side because if I was in contact with people of the community I would probably have noticed the slow decay and could have solved the problems in these relationships differently.
If you see yourself in this as a Dominant, go and connect to other Dominants & Submissives in your local or an online community or contact me and let us work together.
I also want to reemphasize that I don’t blame the individual women that I mentioned here – something in my mind struggles with the thought that they could have done anything I described here on purpose with the goal to hurt me.
They did have that need on a sub consciences level and followed that dark impulse. But I think they were unaware how much damage they were doing with the actions they took and if they had realized at the time they would have been very sorry… or at least that’s what I like to believe…