Dominants don’t talk… much! But we should!
This is especially true if it is about discussing mistakes or problematic situations. We have thousands of websites that talk about what and how you can do stuff but only very few are actually about common mistakes and how to resolve them.
One of the biggest Ressources we have as Dominants are other Dominants. Unlike Submissives, Dominants keep pretty much to themselves. There are reasons for that and I like to explain which reasons and how you can try to still connect with other Dominants…
So first let us talk about the Elephant in the room that people usually point to when it’s about Talking… Most Dominants are Men and Men don’t talk…
That’s pretty much bullshit – men do talk, most men love to talk especially about things that matter to us and our peers – just ask a man after all his sexual experiences and see what happens…
However, there are some advanced hurdles to overcome if you are a Dominant and this is true regardless of Gender… – To showcase that I will go into the way Submissives are treated and put that in contrast for Dominants as well.
My hope is that Articles like this will encourage two things:
- For Dominants, that they should ask for help and open up to friends and other Dominants
- For the Community, especially other Submissives, that they should cut some slack to Dominants if they open up.
Everything gets Judged
One of the most fundamental problems of discussions, when Dominants ask for feedback, is that we have to own what we do in sessions and that people are very judgmental.
This seems very trivial after all Submissives talk all the time about their sessions and submission, right?
But Submissives have a very convenient out when it comes to the content of the sessions…
If a submissive gets confronted with some judgment about a certain scene or a fetish he or she can just say “My Dominant wants it” and that’s it. – Everybody understands and moves on.
Dominants don’t have that easy out, what happens is our wish and we have to own up to it.
If Dominants open up about problems in public talks or open chats it is often followed by judgments… either about the practices the Dominant likes or about what the Dominant does wrong in the eyes of the community…
Reputation is everything
This is especially true in the online community. Social structures are just deeply stacked in one direction and that’s not the Dominant side.
If a Submissive makes a mistake then everybody is okay with her learning from that mistake.
If a Dominant is making a mistake the question is why he didn’t care enough or why he didn’t prevent that mistake in the first place…
I think that comes a bit from the training aspect as well – we are so used to Submissives doing something “wrong” that failing at some other areas don’t seem to matter that much – even if and when it should. (This has some exemptions for instance if it is presumed that Submissives are always at fault)
On the flip side, because the Dominant gets perceived as “always right”, it is assumed that a Dominant has to keep an eye on everything and every mistake is almost unforgivable and seen as a black mark against him. Hence not sharing is actually better in the community than admitting to making a mistake…
Getting Criticised is bad
This ties in with the last point but is also a general problem with criticism.
Getting criticized and learning from mistakes gets perceived as something only weak people have to do… (I always wonder why, to be honest)
Dominants that learn from other Dominants are often seen as inexperienced – after all, why would they still need to learn if they know enough…
Most people don’t understand that you can be knowledgeable but still learn more – especially if it is about mistakes and new experiences.
Like in the real world criticism can feel bad but it is necessary. Being criticised and learning from that should be seen as something good instead of being seen as a problem.
Asking for help is seen a weakness
This is pretty much the perception in general – even in the Job field and it is totally wrong.
For Submissives it seems to be acceptable – probably again because the Play dynamic makes a virtue out of weakness – on the flipside again: For Dominants, it is bad to be perceived as “weak” and therefore asking for help is seen as something you should not do.
I agree and disagree on that point a lot!
Yes, you shouldn’t need to ask about basics, but there is no shame in asking other people about their experiences. This whole Blog is about me sharing my view on certain topics. In the Job field we should be comfortable to ask people about their expertise and if we lack a certain understanding then we should ask how to learn more and in BDSM it is exactly the same!
Just insisting that we should be able to do everything in our own way is just stupid!
Try to reinvent calculus and you will see why it is a good idea to learn from others that have it done before…
In the same way, we should be open to learn from others and to ask questions in the Job sphere, we should be able to discuss problems or mistakes without judgment.
How to do better?
In the end, we are all humans and we learn most of the time from mistakes – now I understand that some mistakes are more problematic than others. I would never suggest cutting a Dominant some slack if he ignores a Safeword…
However, normal mistakes like misreading a situation or pushing somebody a bit too far or not enough happen and they are not pleasant but an unavoidable problem that will come up when different people explore boundaries together…
The most important thing that you can Focus as a Dominant is to exchange yourself with other people even if it feels contradictive and even when people judge you more harshly. In the end, you will be better off and so will be your Submissives.
